Beauty for Ashes

Three. Today, my girls would be three years old.

God has been writing a story of redemption on my heart for a few years now. I thought I would give you a glimpse into a portion of it today, on Ava & Anna’s birthday.

For those who know me, you know the beach is my absolute favorite place to be. So, it made sense to celebrate the girls birthday’s here this year.

Just three short years ago, I stood on this very shore, broken hearted, having just attended the funeral of m daughters, Annabelle and Avaleigh. I sat on this beach and cried, knowing God was with me, but still feeling so very alone. I was deeply grieving. Those were my miracle babies. I was told for 20+ years that I would never have children. Then I did! After losing my miracles, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to have anymore.

I didn’t grow up coming to the beach. In fact, I never came until just before I got married. But it was love at first sight. I loved being at the beach, and I seemed to feel God’s presence so strongly there- He taught me many things on this very shore line. I can find God anywhere I am- because He has never left my side. But this shore- God and I have had meetings here. Holy Ghost, revival, torn up kind of meetings.

That is, until three years ago. I came broken and war scarred to my favorite place on earth- ready for one of THOSE meetings- and I just left feeling empty and alone. God didn’t change. He met me there. But, I just couldn’t fathom sitting here that day. I wasn’t ready… Since then, I have avoided the gulf like the plague. Nothing good for me was to be had there. I planned to have my babies running on this beach. I wanted to hold my babies on this beach. But instead, God was holding them in Heaven.

When we started planning this vacation, my anxiety hit an all time high. I did NOT want to come back to a place that was now so sad for me. I couldn’t imagine walking back out on this beach that was once such a happy place, and ever feeling anything like I use to.

My joy for so many things-the beach included- had died right along with my girls.

Redemption: noun. an act of redeeming or atoning; the state of being redeemed; deliverance; rescue.

I told you God has been writing a story of redemption in my life. He has helped me to slowly start taking back things Satan stole from me three years ago. I have been able to dance in places that had become just dry bones since then. But JOY has been a hard one.

So today, I’m standing on the shore. The same shore that use to bring me joy. The same shore I imagined my girls would visit. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to dance on these dry bones yet. Then I look over, and I see JOY. I may not be dancing at the beach just yet, but I do have two children who are. Two little boys who are enjoying their first view of this beautiful creation. Two little boys who only know goodness and joy. Today, I see beauty in a place that before was just ashes. And for today, that’s enough.

Happy birthday, Ava & Anna. Momma loves you and misses you.

“…and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated…” Isaiah 61:3-4